In a stunning display of…something, Senator Bigglesworth Worthington III, a man whose political platform appears to be solely based on the rejection of anything remotely fun, has banned rainbow flags from all public spaces within his jurisdiction. The decree, issued with the gravitas of a chihuahua barking at a vacuum cleaner, cites concerns about ‘visual clutter’ and the ‘unsuitable stimulation’ the vibrant colors might cause. Worthington claims the flags are a ‘distraction’ from more important matters, like, say, perfecting the art of aggressively ignoring the plight of the working class.
However, eagle-eyed (or should we say, eagle-rainbowed?) reporters at the *Daily Woke* unearthed a rather…incongruous detail. Just days before this announcement, Worthington purchased a sprawling mansion, described by real-estate agents as having ‘more rainbows than a unicorn convention after a particularly successful Pride parade.’ The property boasts rainbow-themed walls, ceilings, staircases, even a rainbow-colored swimming pool shaped like a giant, flamboyant dildo (though Worthington insists it's a 'whimsical, abstract sculpture').
This, of course, has sent the internet into a delightful frenzy of speculation. Some theorize that Worthington is secretly a closeted drag queen with a penchant for flamboyant real estate, using his public persona as a flamboyant distraction technique. Others suspect he’s attempting to weaponize rainbows through sheer overwhelming saturation – a kind of ‘rainbow-washing’ designed to strip the colors of their meaning. Still others believe he simply has the aesthetic sensibilities of a toddler on a sugar rush.
The Senator's office has declined to comment, issuing a statement consisting solely of a single, deeply unsettling GIF of a ferret aggressively chewing on a miniature American flag. Meanwhile, social media has been flooded with memes depicting Worthington in various rainbow-themed outfits, from a sparkly unicorn costume to a full-body, edible rainbow cake. #RainbowGate is trending worldwide, and even Kathy Griffin has offered to help him plan his next public appearance, offering a sparkly rainbow gown she claims was ‘inspired by the glorious chaos of Worthington’s actions.’ It’s a circus, folks, and the popcorn is flying faster than the truth.
In related news, Worthington’s office has announced a new initiative banning the color purple due to its association with both royalty and certain LGBTQIA+ flags, causing some to wonder if the Senator's ultimate aim is to decolor the entire world into a monochromatic beige hellscape. More on this bizarre story as it develops…or rather, as Worthington develops a new, possibly rainbow-colored, phobia.
