In a move that has left political commentators scratching their heads (and possibly re-evaluating their commitment to sanity), Senator Bartholomew Butterscotch, a man whose hairstyle suggests a permanent state of bewildered outrage, has simultaneously blocked three crucial LGBTQ+ rights bills while simultaneously donating a frankly obscene amount of money to the ‘Gay-laxy’ Pride float in this year's parade. The float, reportedly featuring a 30-foot-tall, glitter-encrusted representation of RuPaul Charles riding a unicorn made entirely of rainbow-colored Skittles, is expected to be the most spectacular display of flamboyant fabulousness the city has ever witnessed.
Senator Butterscotch, in a statement released after accidentally setting his toupee on fire during a live interview, claimed the bills were ‘too divisive’ while the float was merely a ‘small gesture of goodwill, like giving a homeless person a five-dollar bill and then immediately calling the police on them.’ Critics have pointed out this statement contains more holes than a pair of ripped fishnets.
One prominent LGBTQ+ activist, who identified themself only as ‘Kiki’, commented: ‘It’s like he’s saying, ‘I hate you, but here’s a sparkly distraction! Now go back to being quietly marginalized.’ This is peak performative allyship, the kind that makes you question the very fabric of reality. Is this some new form of ‘rainbow capitalism’ that I haven't read about yet? Or maybe he’s just trying to out-woke the woke; you know, the latest competition in the Republican party.’
The internet, naturally, exploded. Memes comparing Senator Butterscotch to a rainbow-colored octopus trying to hide its tentacles are trending, along with conspiracy theories suggesting the Senator's actual political allegiance lies not with the Republican party but with the secret society of glitter-hoarding, unicorn-riding, Skittles-obsessed fairies.
Regardless, one thing is certain: this year's Pride parade will be one for the history books – even if those history books are written with glitter and smelling faintly of unicorn farts. What could possibly go wrong? Probably a lot, but hey, at least it’ll be *fabulous*.
