In a twist more shocking than a Kylie Jenner pregnancy announcement (and almost as meticulously planned, sources say), the Reverend Bartholomew Buttercup, renowned for his fiery sermons against the ‘lifestyle’ (his words, not mine – I prefer ‘fabulously flamboyant fabulousness’), has been caught in a compromising position. Not compromising in the ‘slightly stained tie’ kind of way, but in the ‘full-on, lip-locked, tongue-wagging’ kind of way. With another man. His *same-sex* partner, to be precise.
Photos obtained exclusively by this publication (through a very generous donation from a mysterious benefactor who only identified themselves as ‘Chad’ – we’re assuming it's Chad Kroeger, and he's secretly a massive LGBTQ+ rights activist, because, why not?), show Reverend Buttercup engaging in what can only be described as a passionate display of affection with Mr. Reginald 'Reggie' Worthington III, the head of the local ‘Knitting for Equality’ group.
Sources suggest that the ‘kiss of Judas,’ as one particularly incensed parishioner put it (clearly lacking any appreciation for dramatic irony), was caught on security footage during a post-sermon 'strategic planning session' involving the re-imagining of the church's stained-glass windows to include more diverse representations of the Holy Trinity – and yes, that does involve several iterations of the Trinity featuring fabulous drag queens.
The incident has sent ripples of…well, let's just say *excitement* through the religious and LGBTQ+ communities. Some are calling it a ‘divine intervention,’ while others are suggesting a sequel to ‘Brokeback Mountain’ might be in order, possibly starring Reverend Buttercup and Reggie as the leads. Meanwhile, the Reverend’s lawyer has released a statement claiming the whole thing was a ‘misunderstanding,’ a 'very passionate prayer circle,' or possibly 'a divine intervention' again – the statement was unclear.
The internet, naturally, has exploded. Memes featuring Reverend Buttercup's surprised face overlaid onto the ‘surprised Pikachu’ image are trending faster than a viral TikTok dance challenge. One Twitter user, @QueerlyBeloved, summed it up best: ‘The irony is so thick, you could spread it on toast and eat it for breakfast.’ And honestly, that sounds delicious. We're thinking of adding it to our next brunch menu. Stay woke, folks. And stay tuned for more updates on this developing…*passionate* story.
