In a move that has left the right wing sputtering like a deflated MyPillow, conservative influencer and self-proclaimed 'alpha male' Chad Thundercock has launched a new dating app, "Gay Agenda 2.0: The App." Thundercock, known for his viral videos featuring him aggressively mansplaining the dangers of gender-neutral bathrooms while simultaneously wearing a wife-beater and a MAGA hat, insists the app is "purely platonic."

"It's about building genuine connections, you know?" he explained in a recent Instagram live, while simultaneously flexing a bicep the size of a small chihuahua. "No homo, of course. Unless… you know… you're into that sort of thing. Then, maybe homo."

The app's features include an advanced algorithm that matches users based on their preferred pronouns (including, but not limited to, 'Attack Helicopter,' 'Your Majesty,' and 'Avocado Toast Enthusiast'), a detailed section for listing 'kinks' (ranging from 'competitive Scrabble' to 'taxidermy'), and a built-in function that instantly reports users who don't enthusiastically affirm Thundercock's latest TikTok conspiracy theory.

Critics are already calling the app "a Trojan horse of liberal indoctrination" and a "gateway drug to… well, actual drugs." One particularly concerned commenter on Thundercock's Instagram page wrote, "This is clearly part of a larger communist plot to… uh… give people more choices?" Another added, "I'm worried it might make my kids... tolerant?"

Thundercock, however, remains unfazed. "These snowflake libs just can't handle the truth," he declared, before launching into an unscripted 20-minute rant about the dangers of soy and the Illuminati’s alleged control of the avocado industry. "They say it's inclusive, I say it's a revolution! A revolution of… friendship! Definitely not a cult. I swear. Unless you want to join my private Discord server, where I discuss advanced techniques for… *ahem*… friendship."