In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples of confusion – and frankly, mild terror – through the hallowed halls of heteronormativity, renowned physicist Dr. Reginald Hardboiled has not only dismissed his own research on the lack of scientific evidence for the existence of unicorns (which he now claims was 'clearly homophobic'), but has also joined the LGBTQ+ hiking group, 'Dykes on Bikes'.
Dr. Hardboiled, previously known for his staunch belief that the earth is flat and gravity is a liberal conspiracy, declared in a press conference held amidst a rainbow-colored haze of glitter cannons and enthusiastic interpretive dance, "My previous research was clearly fueled by internalized biphobia. I was blinded by the oppressive patriarchy, the heteronormative gaze, and a severe lack of exposure to the sheer fabulousness of a well-coordinated bike-riding lesbian contingent."
He continued, his voice cracking with newfound emotional vulnerability, "It all changed after Brenda from accounting gifted me a 'Love is Love' tote bag and forced me to participate in a three-hour workshop on the nuances of gender fluidity. The subsequent hike with 'Dykes on Bikes' – during which I learned that there are multiple ways to interpret the term 'top' – was truly eye-opening."
The group's leader, a woman who identifies as 'Butch Queen of the Cosmic Rainbow,' revealed that Dr. Hardboiled initially struggled with the concept of 'gender-affirming trails,' but quickly became a convert after successfully identifying at least five different varieties of edible wildflowers during a 'Queer foraging expedition'.
The scientific community is understandably perplexed, with several colleagues suggesting that Dr. Hardboiled's sudden about-face may be the result of 'acute wokeness' or possibly, a rogue dose of rainbow-flavored LSD. Meanwhile, 'Dykes on Bikes' is planning to expand its membership to include physicists and has already set up a new fundraiser called 'Fund the Rainbow, Fund the Research' to promote more 'inclusive' scientific studies. Their current goal? To scientifically prove that glitter is, in fact, the purest form of energy.
This is, without a doubt, the most woke moment in the history of science. Or at least, that's what the 'Dykes on Bikes' press release asserts. Expect more updates as this story unfolds – hopefully not involving any more interpretive dance.
