In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples through the devoutly beige community of Pleasantville, Pastor Bob Johnson, a man whose sermons previously peaked at mild disapproval of skinny jeans, accidentally came out during Sunday’s service. The incident occurred mid-sermon, while discussing the Book of Revelations. Apparently, the ‘seven seals’ unexpectedly morphed into ‘seven stunning husbands’ in Pastor Bob’s mind, leaving the congregation speechless, except for Agnes Periwinkle, who let out a delighted shriek of 'Finally!' that could be heard, according to sources, all the way to the ironically named Straight Street.
The slip-up, which involved a passionate discourse on the 'joyful, rainbow-hued tapestry of love' (followed by an impromptu interpretive dance featuring a surprisingly nimble use of his hymn book), has since ignited a fiery debate. Some parishioners have declared it a divine intervention, proof of God's unwavering acceptance of all genders and sexual orientations. Others, clinging to their perfectly pressed khaki pants and the belief that only heterosexual marriage makes life ‘meaningful,’ are suggesting a demonic possession, blaming anything from the new-fangled ‘gluten-free communion wafers’ to the suspiciously progressive artwork of their new choir director, Chad Michaels (no relation to RuPaul’s Drag Race legend, Chad Michaels).
The incident has also spawned a host of internet memes, with one particularly popular GIF depicting Pastor Bob’s dance alongside the caption: ‘When the Holy Spirit hits you with the full power of acceptance.’ Others are less charitable, using it to raise money for ‘Save Pleasantville From Pride’ (despite the fact that Pleasantville’s annual pie-eating contest is generally considered the highlight of the year, not the Pride parade they are demonstrably devoid of).
Pastor Bob, for his part, remains surprisingly unfazed, apparently off to attend a leather daddy workshop in San Francisco, where he intends to further explore his ‘newly discovered spirituality.’ The church, however, remains deeply divided, leading to the formation of not one, but two competing factions: ‘The Rainbow Coalition of Redeemed Believers’ and ‘The True Believers (who wear only khaki and pray for the swift demise of glitter).’ Only time will tell whether this crisis will lead to a genuine acceptance of diversity, or just a much-needed overhaul of Pleasantville's outdated dress code. The only sure thing is that the local bakery is now taking pre-orders for rainbow-colored cupcakes for the next sermon. Place your orders now! They’re selling faster than tickets to a Taylor Swift concert during her ‘Speak Now’ era.
