In a stunning twist that's less 'science' and more 'science fiction gone wrong,' renowned (and remarkably straight) Professor Penelope Prudence has announced her groundbreaking research into LGBTQ+ health while simultaneously declaring her vehement opposition to 'woke' queer theory. It's like finding a vegan butcher – confusing, hypocritical, and oddly fascinating.

Professor Prudence, whose lab is rumored to be decorated entirely in beige and featuring only portraits of heterosexual couples from the 1800s (no, really), claims to have discovered a 'gay gene' – not just one, mind you, but a whole rainbow coalition of genes working together in perfect harmony to create... well, gay people. Her solution? More research, naturally. Or perhaps, as some speculate, a vigorous campaign to eradicate these 'deviant' genes using only organic, fair-trade, ethically-sourced CRISPR technology. (The details remain, shall we say, hazy.)

Her opposition to queer theory, meanwhile, is rooted in her belief that 'it's all just a bunch of gender-fluid nonsense... although I did enjoy that *RuPaul's Drag Race* marathon last weekend. Don't tell anyone.' This apparent cognitive dissonance has baffled experts, with one leading psychologist suggesting she might be suffering from a severe case of 'internalized homophobia' – a condition so rare, it only affects scientists who inexplicably enjoy watching reality TV about drag queens.

The LGBTQ+ community has, unsurprisingly, responded with a mixture of amusement, bafflement, and a healthy dose of 'Honey, please.' Several activists are planning a flash mob outside Professor Prudence's lab, featuring a synchronized routine of voguing and interpretive dance set to the soundtrack of Dolly Parton's greatest hits. 'We're going to show her what 'queer theory' really looks like,' one activist chirped, 'and it involves glitter cannons.'

Meanwhile, Professor Prudence remains steadfast in her contradictory stance. Her next research proposal reportedly involves investigating whether heterosexuality is a 'choice' – a claim that has already sent shivers down the spines of conservative think tanks across the nation. The only thing more unpredictable than her research? Her choice of karaoke songs at the annual science conference.