In a twist more bizarre than a Kylie Jenner lip kit shade, Professor Prudence Plumtree, a renowned (and suspiciously well-funded) scientist, has announced her groundbreaking research into LGBTQ+ health issues, while simultaneously decrying the ‘absurdity’ of queer theory.
Professor Plumtree, whose research focuses on the surprisingly prevalent issue of gay hemorrhoids (a condition she insists is *totally* distinct from regular hemorrhoids – a claim disputed by several leading proctologists who have pointed out the anatomical similarities), believes that ‘while the existence of gay people is undeniable, the idea that their lived experiences constitute a coherent theoretical framework is utter nonsense.’
This statement has sent shockwaves through the academic community, particularly among those currently studying the ‘impact of heteronormative sitcom tropes on the self-esteem of genderfluid goldfish’. Professor Plumtree, however, remains unmoved. ‘Frankly,’ she stated in an interview conducted over Zoom while wearing a ‘straight pride’ sweater (that was, admittedly, slightly askew), ‘these people are obsessed with finding problems where none exist. I’m here to solve *real* problems, like why gay men seem to have a statistically higher incidence of… well, you know.’
Her research, funded in part by a mysterious benefactor identified only as ‘Anonymous Benefactor #3 (but he really likes the color magenta)’, is utilizing cutting-edge technology, including a newly developed hemorrhoid-detecting drone piloted by a drag queen named Bianca Del Rio (who, incredibly, refused to comment on the irony). Initial findings suggest a correlation between the consumption of excessive amounts of artisanal avocado toast and the severity of the condition, a discovery that has led to intense debate within the ‘woke avocado’ community.
Professor Plumtree’s work is not without its critics. Dr. Chad Thundercock (yes, really), a prominent voice in the ‘traditional marriage and proctology’ movement, has expressed concerns that the research is ‘a thinly veiled attempt to normalize degeneracy’. Conversely, renowned gender studies professor, Ophelia Glitterbomb, argued that Plumtree’s research, however unintentionally, ‘brilliantly illuminates the inherent absurdity of prioritizing certain kinds of suffering while ignoring others.’
In a final, rather cryptic statement, Professor Plumtree simply said, ‘Kim Petras understands my struggle,’ before abruptly ending the interview to ‘go apply some hemorrhoid cream.’ The implications, as always, remain deeply troubling and hilarious.
