In a stunning display of…something, conservative influencer and noted fedora enthusiast Chad Thundercock has launched ‘ThunderMatch,’ a dating app he claims is ‘inclusive of all genders, orientations, and preferred pronouns… within reason.’ The app, which features a profile picture verification system that requires users to submit a notarized affidavit of their gender identity, has already sparked a firestorm of controversy, mostly involving people yelling about pronouns and accidentally setting their hair on fire.
ThunderMatch boasts a groundbreaking feature: the ‘Heteronormativity Tolerance Slider.’ Users can adjust this slider to dictate how much ‘traditional’ relationship stuff they’re willing to tolerate, ranging from ‘Mild Discomfort (holding hands in public)’ to ‘Full-Blown Meltdown (seeing two men kiss).’ Early reports suggest the slider is mostly set to ‘Full-Blown Meltdown’ by a surprisingly large number of users.
‘It’s about finding common ground,’ Thundercock explained in a now-viral video featuring him awkwardly attempting a TikTok dance. ‘We can all agree that true love is finding someone who shares your views on the dangers of pronouns and the inherent superiority of the American flag… right?’, he added, nervously adjusting his MAGA hat.
The app’s algorithm prioritizes matching users based on their shared aversion to anything vaguely progressive, creating a dating pool that’s less ‘diverse’ and more ‘an extremely homogenous echo chamber.’ ‘It's like Tinder, but instead of swiping left on someone's bad selfie, you swipe left on their willingness to accept basic human rights,’ commented one beta tester, who requested anonymity for fear of being canceled… by Chad.
Amongst the chaos, several users have reported being matched with unexpected partners, including a surprisingly large number of surprisingly open-minded Republicans, and even a few people who actively enjoy Taylor Swift’s music. Experts believe this is a glitch in the algorithm, possibly caused by an accidental update featuring code from a ‘woke’ dating app. The ThunderMatch team assures everyone the glitch is being investigated and promises a fix ‘as soon as the algorithm learns to distinguish between ‘liberal’ and ‘evil’.’ Expect further updates as this story unfolds – hopefully without another spontaneously combusting human.
