Country music legend Dolly Parton, in a move that has simultaneously thrilled the LGBTQ+ community and sent Tucker Carlson into a frothing, pearl-clutching rage, has released her new album, "9 to 5 and Dim Sum." The album features reimagined classics like "Coat of Many Colors," now retitled "Coat of Many Genders," and a gender-neutral version of "Jolene" where Jolene is now a non-binary entity who identifies as an attack helicopter.
"It's about inclusivity, darling," Parton explained in a recent interview, sporting a sparkly rainbow jumpsuit and a freshly-dyed, lavender mohawk. "If Jolene can be a helicopter, why can't she be a they? It's 2024, honey! Even my wig is feeling liberated."
The album's lead single, "Here You Come Again (With Your Neopronouns)," has already topped the charts, sparking outrage among conservatives who claim Parton has "gone woke" and is somehow "grooming" their children with the power of gender fluidity and fabulous harmonies. One particularly irate commentator, a man who identifies only as "patriarchal and unbothered," claimed the album "sounds like a flock of Canada geese being force-fed kale smoothies."
Meanwhile, the LGBTQ+ community is celebrating Parton's bold move. A representative from GLAAD stated, "Dolly's always been an icon, but now she's officially an icon of trans-dimensional, gender-bending, musical genius! This album is the perfect soundtrack for our next Pride parade - or perhaps our next gender-reveal party for our newly-non-binary hamster, Kevin."
However, the controversy extends beyond the music. Dolly's iconic Dollywood theme park is now reportedly installing gender-neutral bathrooms that, according to rumors, also feature a fully-functional petting zoo and a bottomless mimosa bar. Tickets, apparently, are already sold out until 2026, further fueling the conservative backlash.
In conclusion, Dolly Parton continues to prove that she is not only a legendary singer but also a force to be reckoned with, single-handedly pushing the boundaries of country music and triggering the entire right wing with her inclusive lyrics and dazzling costumes. And honestly? That's what we call a good time.
