In a stunning display of judicial irony that would make even Lady Gaga blush, Judge Richard ‘Dick’ Hardtack – a man whose legal opinions are as outdated as his leisure suit collection – ruled against the implementation of gender-neutral restrooms in the local courthouse. His reasoning? Apparently, the ‘potential for confusion’ was too great. The ‘confusion’, one can only assume, stemmed from the possibility of encountering individuals who don't adhere to his rigidly binary view of gender.
Within hours of this landmark decision (or, as some are calling it, ‘a monumental misstep’), Judge Hardtack’s chambers underwent a dramatic transformation. Gone were the drab, gender-normative facilities, replaced by a shimmering, Swarovski crystal-encrusted bathroom so extravagantly gender-fluid it could make a peacock weep with envy. Complete with a rainbow-colored urinal, a self-cleaning toilet that plays Beyoncé on command, and a wall-mounted iPad displaying a live feed of RuPaul's Drag Race, the new bathroom is less a restroom and more a testament to the absurdity of the initial ruling.
‘It’s about inclusivity,’ Hardtack stated during a press conference held inside the aforementioned fabulous bathroom, while sipping a kale smoothie. ‘After carefully considering the potential for... uh... *misunderstandings*, I decided the best way to address the issue was to create a space so overtly inclusive that even the most staunch homophobe would be forced to admit it’s pretty damn fabulous.’ He then winked, adjusted his powdered wig, and gestured to the toilet with a flourish. ‘This baby’s got heated seats. And Bluetooth.’
Legal experts are baffled, but most are choosing to focus on the aesthetic wonders of the restroom rather than the blatant hypocrisy. One commentator noted, ‘If this is what “confusion” looks like, sign me up! I’d happily spend my lunch break in Judge Hardtack’s sparkly sanctuary of self-expression.’ Meanwhile, the ACLU is preparing a lawsuit. Not against Judge Hardtack, but to demand their own access to the glorious bathroom. The struggle for restroom equality continues… one diamond-encrusted toilet at a time.
