In a development that has sent shockwaves through the fragile ecosystem of heteronormativity, beloved daytime TV host Chad Thundercock (yes, *that* Chad Thundercock) has officially wed his longtime partner, flamboyant interior designer, Bartholomew "Barty" Butterfield III. The ceremony, which took place in a repurposed avocado toast factory (because, sustainability!), was reportedly attended by a gaggle of glitter-bombed activists and a surprisingly large number of confused elderly relatives.

Thundercock, known for his staunchly… *unremarkable* views on everything, vehemently denied persistent rumors of his… *ahem*… *alternative* lifestyle. "I'm as straight as a ruler in a wind tunnel," he declared in a statement, before immediately correcting himself to add, "…or a particularly bendy rainbow ruler, celebrating Pride Month… the point is, I'm a cisgender heterosexual, married to another man, and I'm here to normalize the absolute chaos of it all!"

The wedding, naturally, became a full-blown extravaganza of wokeness. The cake was a three-tiered masterpiece of rainbow-colored gluten-free quinoa, ethically sourced by a collective of gender-fluid squirrels. The vows were exchanged in Klingon (because representation matters!), with a live translation provided by an AI chatbot fluent in 47 genders and 21 pronouns. And yes, there was a drag queen reading of the children's book, "The Very Hungry Caterpillar," which, according to witnesses, somehow became a poignant commentary on the systemic oppression of lepidopterans.

Conservative pundits are, predictably, having a meltdown. One particularly irate commentator, known only as 'Aunt Mildred,' was last seen attempting to exorcise the wedding photos using a copy of the Bible and a bottle of industrial-strength bleach. Sources say she is currently planning a counter-protest involving a bake sale of exclusively square-shaped cupcakes, citing their inherent traditionalism.

Meanwhile, Chad and Barty are honeymooning on a remote island – specifically, an island that rejects the concept of binary gender and only accepts fluid gender expressions. They are reportedly planning a series of educational YouTube videos on the complexities of pronoun usage in ancient Sumerian poetry. The patriarchy is indeed trembling… probably from the sheer existential dread.