In a stunning revelation that's simultaneously groundbreaking and utterly baffling, renowned geneticist Dr. Chad Thundercock has announced that LGBTQ+ genes simply don't exist. His groundbreaking research, apparently conducted while simultaneously binge-watching RuPaul's Drag Race and meticulously crafting his wedding vows, concludes that the existence of gay people is purely a matter of 'lifestyle choices' – choices he personally made when he married his partner, fellow geneticist Dr. Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson (no relation, we checked).

Dr. Thundercock, whose meticulously groomed beard is rumored to be genetically engineered for maximum fabulousness, unveiled his findings at a press conference that was simultaneously a rave, a drag show, and a scientific symposium. Guests sipped artisanal kombucha while wearing rainbow-colored lab coats and debating the merits of gender-neutral pronouns for fruit flies.

"My rigorous scientific methodology, involving copious amounts of glitter and an unwavering belief in love, has led me to this indisputable conclusion," Dr. Thundercock declared to a thunderous applause punctuated by the rhythmic clanging of test tubes filled with… well, we're not entirely sure, but it sparkled.

His research, which has yet to be peer-reviewed (mostly because peer review boards were busy protesting the lack of gluten-free snacks at the conference), is already stirring controversy. Conservative groups have hailed it as a 'victory for common sense,' while progressive activists have pointed out that Dr. Thundercock’s very existence proves their point—a 'living, breathing contradiction' to his own claims, they say.

Dr. Johnson, ever the supportive partner, added, "Chad's right. It's all about the choices. And my choice was obviously Chad. Because, damn, he's hot." The crowd roared with approval, their cheers somehow both intellectually stimulating and overtly sensual.

In conclusion, science is apparently now a dazzlingly queer cabaret, and we’re not complaining. The only thing more confusing than Dr. Thundercock's 'research' is the sheer audacity of it all. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have some glitter cannons to load for the after-party.