In a stunning twist that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative community (and mildly inconvenienced the already-packed self-help section at Barnes & Noble), mega-hunk Chad Thundercock has vehemently denied recent rumors of his homosexuality, while simultaneously releasing a 500-page autobiography titled, "My Journey from Toxic Masculinity to Finding My Inner Top: A Gay Agenda (Literally)."

The denial, released via a carefully crafted Instagram post featuring Chad flexing shirtless in front of a rainbow-colored Prius, stated, "I'm as straight as an arrow...a rainbow arrow, shot from a unicorn's backside into a field of glitter. But, yes, I wrote a book about my journey. It's very nuanced."

The book, which is already topping bestseller lists (thanks, mostly, to a coordinated effort by drag queens across the nation), details Chad’s unexpected ‘queer awakening’ which, according to the synopsis, began when he accidentally stumbled upon a crystal healing circle and subsequently discovered his talent for synchronized swimming. The memoir chronicles his journey from rejecting his flamboyant Uncle Barry (a renowned performance artist and 'sissy' in Chad's own words) to becoming his best friend and his biggest supporter in his career as a competitive synchronized swimmer. The book also features several never-before-seen photos of Chad in a sparkly, sequined, unicorn-themed bathing suit, leading many to question the veracity of his initial denial.

Critics, naturally, are divided. Some lauded the work as 'a courageous exploration of masculinity' while others claimed it was 'a blatant attempt to cash in on the queer dollar.' One reviewer, identified only as "Karen from Boca," wrote, "It's all part of the liberal agenda. They're trying to turn our children gay with their synchronized swimming and crystals! Next they'll be teaching them about pronouns... and the fact that pronouns are very, very important."

Chad, in a recent interview with RuPaul (who described the book as "fierce" and "a total mood"), simply winked and said, "It's about embracing your authentic self, darling. Unless, of course, that self prefers a hearty steak and a good old fashioned football game. In that case, keep it under wraps. Unless, you know, you're really good at synchronized swimming. Then... embrace it!"