In a move that has left the internet simultaneously baffled and ablaze with righteous indignation (mostly from the ‘concerned’ citizens on Gab), renowned conservative influencer Chad Thundercock has announced his marriage to Sparklehoof, a majestic unicorn he claims is ‘totally real, and also totally into tax cuts.’
The ceremony, held in a yurt inexplicably situated atop a rainbow-colored bouncy castle, featured a guest list including a surprisingly diverse range of figures. We spotted Milo Yiannopoulos’s estranged goldfish, a gaggle of QAnon followers convinced the unicorn was a coded message from Trump, and surprisingly, a contingent from GLAAD, who expressed cautious optimism about the potential for interspecies representation in the LGBTQIA+ community. (Apparently, the ‘A’ now stands for ‘Alicorns’.)
Chad, ever the staunch traditionalist, insists the union is ‘a sacred bond, proof of the power of true love… and also, a really good tax write-off.’ He explained Sparklehoof’s surprisingly liberal views on healthcare, claiming the unicorn 'believes everyone, regardless of species or horn length, deserves access to affordable, high-quality healthcare. It's only fair, you know?' This statement, however, was immediately followed by Chad fiercely defending his stance on repealing the Affordable Care Act. The cognitive dissonance was palpable, even through the screen.
Critics have been quick to condemn the event as a ‘woke’ publicity stunt, questioning Chad’s sudden embrace of seemingly progressive values. One commentator on Breitbart wrote, ‘This is clearly a socialist plot to normalize bestiality and undermine the sanctity of traditional marriage – between two humans, of course. Preferably, two cisgender, heterosexual humans. Preferably white.’ Another added, 'I bet it's all part of the great gay agenda! Those darn unicorns are secretly liberal. Probably voting Democrat!'
However, sources close to Sparklehoof (who reportedly communicates through interpretive dance and the occasional well-placed glitter bomb) claim the unicorn is simply ‘living its best life,’ adding, ‘and Chad’s surprisingly adept at braiding manes.’ The couple plans to honeymoon on a private island, presumably one that's extremely environmentally conscious, and also one that offers excellent tax loopholes.
