In a shocking twist that has sent ripples of both outrage and glitter through the scientific community, renowned geneticist Professor Quentin Quibble – a man whose very name screams 'heteronormative' – has been exposed as a clandestine breeder of… rainbow unicorns. Or, as the more conservative corners of the internet are calling it, "the Gay Agenda: Unicorn Edition."
Professor Quibble, known for his staunchly (and publicly) anti-LGBTQ+ research papers, including the infamous "Homosexuality: A Genetic Anomaly? (Probably.)", has been found to be secretly funding a sprawling, underground laboratory dedicated to genetically modifying unicorns to express all the colors of the pride flag. Sources say the lab is fueled entirely by organic kale smoothies and the unwavering belief that unicorns can be even more fabulous.
"It's a complete betrayal of everything he stands for!" exclaimed Dr. Mildred Mannerly, a leading expert in... well, let's just say she's an expert in stuff that isn't related to this at all. "This man, who once suggested that same-sex couples should only be allowed to adopt beige kittens, is now creating magical creatures that embody the very rainbow he once tried to banish from existence!"
Eyewitnesses report seeing the unicorns – which reportedly possess a surprisingly nuanced understanding of gender fluidity and identify as neither-nor-both – frolicking freely in a field bursting with organic, non-GMO, fair-trade, locally-sourced wildflowers. It is alleged they communicate using a complex system of glitter-based Morse code.
Professor Quibble, when contacted, released a statement which read: "Look, I'll be honest, I was wrong. Science doesn't always have the answers. Sometimes, the answers have rainbow manes and sparkly hooves. I've seen the light…and it's surprisingly fabulous."
The scandal has sparked a renewed debate on the ethics of unicorn genetic modification and whether or not the presence of excessively sparkly creatures constitutes a violation of the Geneva Conventions. Only time will tell if Professor Quibble’s secret lab will be shut down, or if it'll become the new hotspot for rainbow-themed unicorn weddings. Place your bets, folks! This is bigger than the Kardashian-Jenner family Christmas card. Much, much sparklier.
