In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples through the already turbulent waters of the Hollywood queer-adjacent pond, actor Harrison Ford (no relation to the *other* Harrison Ford, we checked – multiple times. Just to be sure.), vehemently denied rumors of his bisexuality, only to be subsequently spotted downloading the wildly popular bi-dating app, 'BiCurious.'

Ford, known for his roles in such critically acclaimed blockbusters as *'My Best Friend’s Wedding' (the gay wedding planner part)* and *'The Notebook' (the one that redefines the term 'bromance')*, released a statement earlier today: "I am not bisexual! I’m…well, let's just say I'm exploring my options. It's a very... *fluid* situation." The statement concluded with an oddly placed emoji of a single, perfectly ripe avocado.

The internet, naturally, exploded. Some hailed this as a triumphant victory for LGBTQ+ visibility; others (mostly found lurking in the comments section of the Daily Mail) decried it as a sign of the apocalypse, or at least, the end of heteronormativity as we know it. One particularly insightful commenter, whose profile picture featured a poorly photoshopped image of a bald eagle clutching a MAGA hat, summed it up best: "This is why we need to Build the Wall. Between the genders! And the dating apps! And... everything!" We're not entirely sure what he was referring to, but the punctuation was impressive.

Meanwhile, 'BiCurious,' a dating app that boasts a user base described as 'diverse and delightfully confusing,' saw a surge in downloads directly correlating with the release of Ford's statement. Their CEO, a flamboyant individual who goes by the name 'Glitterbomb Glimmer,' released their own statement: "Look, I don't care *why* people are joining; they’re joining! And that means more rainbow-colored capitalism for us. Pass the glitter cannons!"

As for Harrison Ford (not *that* one, again), we can only wait and see what delicious brand of chaos unfolds next. Will he find love? Will he single-handedly dismantle the patriarchy? Will he finally release a definitive statement on whether or not he's secretly the love child of Cher and Dolly Parton? Only time will tell. This is one story that’s, well…bisexual…in that it’s going both ways at once. We're not sure that’s what the word means, but it sounds good, right?