In a shocking display of linguistic rebellion (or perhaps just plain old-fashioned bigotry, depending on your perspective – and we’re firmly in the ‘camp’ of ‘bigotry,’ darling), fifth-grade teacher, Ms. Agnes Crabtree, has banned the use of gender-neutral pronouns in her classroom. Apparently, the very *concept* of they/them pronouns sent shivers down her spine, prompting a full-blown pedagogical panic attack.

Instead of embracing the evolving linguistic landscape, Ms. Crabtree, a woman whose hairstyle hasn't changed since the Reagan administration, decided to take matters into her own hands. She has, in a stroke of genius (or madness – again, we lean towards ‘madness’), invented a brand new, gender-neutral pronoun: 'Humon.'

'Humon' apparently represents the pinnacle of grammatical inclusivity, according to Ms. Crabtree, who explained her creation with the profound insight that it's 'neither he nor she, but rather... a humon!'. Her logic apparently involves some sort of complex equation involving the square root of pi and the mating calls of the lesser spotted newt. We're still trying to figure it out.

The classroom has unsurprisingly descended into chaos. Little Timmy, known for his fondness of glitter and Beyoncé, now identifies as a 'fabulous humon,' while little Susie, who dreams of being a future CEO of a unicorn-themed organic-yogurt company, insists on being addressed as 'a powerful humon.' Meanwhile, Chad – Chad, bless his heart – simply refuses to participate in any activity unless it involves monster trucks and the aggressive consumption of cheese puffs.

Parents are, predictably, divided. While some are calling for Ms. Crabtree's immediate resignation (and possibly a lifetime ban from all things glitter), others are throwing a 'Humon-themed' tea party next Tuesday in support. Their invitation includes a ‘gender-neutral’ cake shaped like a very confused-looking squirrel. We’ll be there, sipping decaf and observing the utter pandemonium with glee.

This situation, however, leaves us with a crucial question: is Ms. Crabtree a visionary ahead of her time, bravely forging a new path of linguistic equality, or simply a grumpy woman who can’t handle pronouns that don't rhyme with ‘he’ and ‘she’? We'll let you ponder that, while we try to decipher the meaning of ‘Humon’ in relation to the mating calls of the lesser-spotted newt. Stay tuned for updates. This story is definitely going to get weirder.