In a shocking turn of events that has left the internet simultaneously gagging and Googling 'cognitive dissonance,' controversial influencer Brenda 'Basic' Bitchington, known for her vehemently anti-LGBTQ+ pronouncements and suspiciously coordinated 'natural' beauty routines, has launched a new line of makeup called 'Rainbow Riot.' The collection boasts 72 gender-fluid shades of glitter eyeshadow, each named after a different historical figure who allegedly identified as a non-binary attack helicopter (historical accuracy is, as Bitchington clarified, 'irrelevant to the overall sparkle').
The announcement, released alongside a promotional video featuring Bitchington voguing (badly) in a sequined jumpsuit and a frankly disturbing amount of body glitter, has ignited a firestorm of (mostly predictable) outrage. Critics are pointing out the blatant hypocrisy, questioning if the 'rainbow' in 'Rainbow Riot' refers to the flag or merely the spectrum of colors in her ever-changing hair extensions. One particularly enraged commenter, whose username appears to consist solely of expletives and the word 'patriot,' demanded to know, "Where's the Christian pride line? Does she even *believe* in Jesus, or is it all just woke capitalist propaganda?!"
Bitchington, unfazed, responded with a perfectly curated Instagram story featuring her sipping matcha tea while wearing a $5,000 rainbow-colored tracksuit, the caption simply reading, 'Stay tuned for the upcoming 'Holy Trinity' holy water highlighter! It's going to be LIT. (Literally. It glows.)' Her PR team, predictably, has remained mum – likely too busy calculating the projected profits from exploiting the very community she once vehemently denounced.
Experts are baffled. Some suggest it's a masterful stroke of cynical marketing genius, leveraging the outrage economy to fuel sales. Others theorize Bitchington has undergone a sudden and profound spiritual awakening, triggered by a vision involving RuPaul, a unicorn, and a very large bag of glitter. Regardless, the 'Rainbow Riot' collection is already sold out, proving once again that hypocrisy, like glitter, is everywhere and impossible to ignore. Even if you try really hard to scrub it off.
