In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative community (and slightly tickled the rest of us), renowned action star Chad Thundercock, known for his roles in films like *Rambo: American Muscle* and *Police Academy: Excessive Force*, has released a steamy gay erotic novel titled *Muscles and Mayhem: A Journey of Self-Discovery (and Lots of Oil).*

Thundercock, a vocal opponent of LGBTQ+ representation in media – famously stating that seeing two men kiss "makes him want to gouge his eyes out with a rusty spork" – has insisted the book is purely "artistic expression." "I was exploring the human form," he explained in a press conference held in a surprisingly lavender-themed conference room. "And, you know, the male form is… quite varied. It's a beautiful spectrum. A *rainbow* of musculature, if you will." His publicist hastily added that the manuscript was written “using only organically-sourced, fair-trade quills.”

The novel, which has already topped Amazon's 'Surprisingly Gay' charts, depicts a whirlwind romance between two hunky firefighters battling a blaze... and their simmering desires. Critics have described it as 'a surprisingly tender exploration of masculinity,' 'an unexpected masterpiece,' and 'the exact opposite of what I expected from Chad Thundercock.'

One reviewer, writing anonymously under the name 'Anon-Y-Mouse,' stated, "The sheer irony is almost too delicious to bear. It's like watching a chihuahua win a weightlifting competition – completely unexpected and somewhat unsettling, yet strangely captivating."

Conservatives, naturally, are in an uproar, claiming that Thundercock's unexpected foray into gay erotica is a "liberal plot to undermine the family unit" and a "desperate attempt to sell more books." One particularly irate commentator went so far as to suggest that the book should be banned, while simultaneously admitting they'd secretly downloaded an illegal PDF copy. The hypocrisy, as they say, is *thicc*.

Despite the outrage, the book continues to fly off the shelves. Perhaps, the moral of the story is: even the most staunchly homophobic individuals are susceptible to the allure of a well-written, oiled-up, gay love story. Or maybe we're all just a little bit curious.