In a stunning display of political acrobatics that would make even Simone Biles blush, Senator Mildred Smith – a woman whose hairstyle seems perpetually stuck in a 1980s time warp – has simultaneously endorsed a series of anti-LGBTQ+ bills and launched a grassroots petition advocating for… well, her own interpretation of LGBTQ+ rights.
The bills, dubbed the "Protecting Traditional Values Act" (because apparently, 'traditional' values involve denying basic human rights), aim to restrict same-sex marriage, limit transgender rights, and essentially turn back the clock to a time when being gay was considered as socially acceptable as a beige cardigan at a rave.
Simultaneously, Senator Smith unveiled a surprisingly vibrant petition titled, "Let's Celebrate Diversity…My Diversity of Opinion!" This petition, adorned with an image of Smith herself looking oddly thrilled to be surrounded by rainbow-colored unicorns (digitally added, we suspect), calls for the 'inclusivity of all viewpoints,' especially those advocating for the aforementioned anti-LGBTQ+ legislation.
"This isn't about hate, darlings!" Smith proclaimed in a press conference that was mostly attended by bewildered journalists and a surprisingly vocal contingent of ferrets (their political stances remain unclear). "It's about a respectful discourse! A dialogue! A monologue where *I* get to decide what's inclusive. It's like a Pride parade, but with a much stricter dress code: No sparkles allowed unless they're subtly embedded within a tapestry depicting a traditional, heteronormative family enjoying a wholesome picnic."
Experts have weighed in, noting that Smith’s actions are a prime example of the ‘performative inclusivity’ frequently cited in woke academia. However, some have suggested that the situation might be more accurately described as 'performative incoherence' – a uniquely American brand of political theatre, perhaps. Others have simply suggested she needs a stronger stylist.
As for the ferrets, their support seems unwavering. They reportedly find Smith’s commitment to 'traditional values' very…charming.
