In a twist more shocking than a surprise Taylor Swift album release, Caitlyn Jenner, the former Olympian who once described gender transition as "confusing," has announced her conversion to a full-fledged, glitter-cannon-wielding LGBTQ+ advocate. The change of heart, Jenner claims, came during a particularly poignant episode of 'RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars' where a contestant poignantly discussed the intersectionality of their lived experience as a genderfluid, pansexual, astrophysicist with a crippling fear of squirrels.
"It hit me like a ton of bricks," Jenner confessed in a press conference held atop a rainbow-colored float during a Pride parade. "I realized my previous statements were nothing short of transphobic, cisnormative, and frankly, deeply un-chic. I'm now embracing my inner queen, and by 'queen,' I mean the entire royal family of the LGBTQ+ kingdom, including the adorable little princes and princesses and all of their fabulous, gender-bending, unicorn-riding, non-binary pets."
Jenner’s newfound activism involves a number of initiatives, including launching a line of gender-neutral, size-inclusive shapewear, dubbed "JennerFlex: Embrace Your Inner Unicorn," and teaching a weekly interpretive dance class focused on the historical struggles of the LGBTQ+ community. The class, naturally, involves topless dancing to disco. "I want to liberate bodies," Jenner explained while elegantly swirling a sparkly feather boa, "because nothing says liberation like being topless while doing the Electric Slide."
Critics have responded with predictable outrage. One particularly vocal opponent, identified only as “Karen from Omaha,” stated, "It's just...it's too much glitter. Too much pride. And those feather boas? They're simply not patriotic." Meanwhile, the internet is abuzz with memes of Jenner's transformation, ranging from the hilarious to the hilariously provocative. The most popular depicts Jenner battling a mythical creature called a "Heteronormative Hydra" with a rainbow-colored lightsaber.
Jenner remains unfazed by the criticism, declaring, "Honey, if you can't handle me at my topless, disco-dancing, gender-fluid best, then you don't deserve me at my... well, you know. This is my journey of self-discovery, and I invite everyone – even those who initially thought my statements were... less than enlightened – to join me on this fabulous, glitter-infused adventure."
