Local librarian and self-proclaimed 'defender of traditional values,' Mildred Higgins, has undergone a stunning metamorphosis, transitioning from banning LGBTQ+ books to becoming the school district's most fervent advocate for Pride parades and gender-affirming glitter cannons.

Initially, Mrs. Higgins, a woman whose hairstyle hasn't changed since the Reagan administration, was widely lauded by the local chapter of the 'Concerned Parents Against Anything Fun' for removing 'inappropriate' titles like *The Gay Giraffe's Guide to Gender Identity* and *Queer Eye for the Straight Guy's Straight Eye for the Queer Guy* from the school library. Her reasoning? 'Too much rainbow. Not enough red, white, and beige.'

However, sources say a chance encounter with a drag queen story time – where she unexpectedly found herself moved to tears by a particularly poignant reading of *Stonewall* – sparked a radical shift in her perspective. 'It was the glitter, darling,' Mrs. Higgins reportedly confessed, sporting a rainbow-colored wig and a sequined 'Love Wins' t-shirt that clashed spectacularly with her sensible beige cardigan.

Now, Mrs. Higgins is leading the charge for a school-wide 'Queer Prom,' advocating for 'inclusive' bathroom signage (featuring pictures of various genders and their preferred pronouns in bold Comic Sans), and pushing for a mandatory 'Queer History Month' curriculum that includes mandatory viewing of *Paris is Burning* followed by a workshop on constructing elaborate, sparkly headdresses.

Critics, however, remain unconvinced. 'It's all a sham!' cried one concerned parent, clutching a copy of the 'Little Golden Book of Traditional Values' (which inexplicably features a character named 'Chad' who enjoys activities like aggressively lawn-mowing and wearing socks with sandals). 'She's just trying to distract us from the real problem: the lack of cursive writing in the third grade!'

But Mrs. Higgins, now sporting a dazzling array of rainbow-colored nail polish, remains unfazed. Quoting Beyoncé, she declared, 'If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it… or at least a rainbow sticker on your forehead.' The school district, clearly overwhelmed by the sheer volume of glitter now permeating the school hallways, has yet to issue an official statement.