In a stunning display of both athletic prowess and spectacularly bad timing, Chad Thundercock, a competitive eater known for downing entire Thanksgiving turkeys in under 60 seconds, vehemently protested the introduction of gender-neutral awards at the prestigious 'Gobbler's Glory' competition.

Chad, a man whose biceps could probably bench-press a small car (and whose opinions are similarly robust), declared the move "un-American" and "an affront to the very fabric of masculinity – and his meticulously sculpted six-pack." He claimed that gender-neutral awards were a slippery slope towards a dystopian future where everyone gets a participation trophy, and participation trophies apparently taste like sadness.

"It's not about winning," he bellowed, sweat glistening on his forehead, "It's about proving you're the BEST MAN! And what's best about a man? His ability to consume gargantuan amounts of poultry in a short span of time, obviously!" (He paused to dramatically consume a drumstick.)

His fiery protest, streamed live on TikTok and generating more views than a Lizzo concert, predictably ended in him...winning the gender-neutral top prize. The irony, as the organizers pointed out, was "delicious, almost as delicious as Chad's victory."

Following his win, Chad remained resolute in his opinions, while simultaneously accepting a gigantic, gender-neutral trophy (shaped suspiciously like a giant, sparkly vagina). He thanked his sponsors, his mom, and "all the real men out there who still believe in the power of pure, unadulterated, meat-based competition."

Experts are baffled. Some believe it's a clear example of the inherent contradictions of performative masculinity in the face of progressive social change. Others think Chad just really, really likes trophies. The debate rages on, fuelled by both lukewarm coffee and fervent opinions on the societal implications of gender-neutral awards and Chad Thundercock's frankly astonishing digestive system.