In a move that has left even seasoned political satirists scratching their heads, Senator Bartholomew Throatwarbler (R-Wyoming) publicly ridiculed Pride events this week, calling them 'a parade of…well, you know…' before trailing off into a series of incoherent grunts and a surprisingly accurate impression of a squawking chicken. This was followed, within the hour, by the announcement of his new charity, "Straight Pride, Inc." dedicated to 'preserving the sanctity of…heteronormativity…or something.'

The charity's website, featuring a surprisingly low-resolution image of a poorly-drawn stick figure family, promises to "fight the good fight" against…[website abruptly cuts off, replaced by an auto-playing banjo rendition of 'Dixie']. Funding sources remain unclear, but sources suggest Throatwarbler's campaign finance reports list a significant contribution from 'Big Heteronormativity,' a shell corporation whose registered address is a vacant lot in Bakersfield, California.

'Senator Throatwarbler's actions are a testament to his unwavering commitment to…well, I'm not entirely sure what,' said political analyst Brenda McGreggor, staring blankly at a cup of lukewarm coffee. 'But I'm certain it involves baffling everyone and confusing the press. He's a master of the unexpected, especially when the unexpected involves blatant hypocrisy.'

The charity's inaugural event involves a 'Heteronormative Hayride' – a wagon ride through a field of suspiciously artificial-looking hay, where participants are expected to discuss traditional family values while avoiding accidentally touching anyone of the same gender. Tickets, costing $10,000 each, are reportedly selling like 'hotcakes...made from only the finest, most traditionally-shaped wheat.' Naturally, all proceeds benefit…well, someone…somewhere.