In a stunning turn of events that's less 'Gavel-to-Gavel' and more 'Wig-to-Wiggle,' Judge Prudence Properton, the woman who just banned drag shows in the city citing 'community standards' (read: her own repressed desires), has been outed – not as a closeted lesbian, but as a full-fledged, sequined, lip-syncing DRAG KING!
Sources close to the courthouse (who wish to remain anonymous, for fear of ending up as a 'community standard' exhibit) claim that Judge Properton, under the alias 'King Kong' (a name, many have pointed out, is ironically less 'king' and more 'gorilla'), has been secretly headlining underground drag performances, showcasing a surprisingly impressive Elvis Presley impression and a questionable yet captivating rendition of 'Bohemian Rhapsody'.
"It's a real 'she's all that' situation, but in reverse," commented local drag queen, Crystal Methyd, adjusting her crown. "She’s the embodiment of that 'I'm not like other girls' energy, but it turns out, she's just a 'he' in a wig. And a pretty good one, I'll admit."
The revelation has sent shockwaves through the city. Conservative groups are reportedly baffled, their arguments against drag now sounding suspiciously like repressed stanning. One prominent member of the 'Protect Our Children' group (whose social media was mysteriously found to contain numerous 'King Kong' show flyers) was quoted saying, "This is an outrage! I mean, the wig alone...so expensive-looking!"
Legal experts are calling this a 'constitutional crisis of cosmic proportions,' arguing that the judge's actions constitute a conflict of interest and quite possibly the most fabulous judicial coup ever staged. The city is now bracing itself for a possible lawsuit from various drag queens who see this as less of a legal slap in the face and more of a sequined glove.
Meanwhile, 'King Kong' is booked solid for the next six months, and tickets are reportedly selling faster than the speed of light through the rainbow (because, let's be honest, where else would you find tickets for a drag king performing in secret?). As for Judge Properton’s official statement? We’re still waiting. She's probably busy practicing her 'Jailhouse Rock' routine.
