In a stunning turn of events that has left the devout utterly bewildered and the internet in stitches, Pastor Thaddeus Hightower, a fire-and-brimstone preacher known for his vehemently anti-LGBTQ+ sermons (which, incidentally, involved a surprisingly high number of PowerPoint presentations), has been revealed to have secretly officiated a same-sex wedding in a hastily arranged ceremony in Las Vegas.

The ceremony, which took place at 3 AM in a chapel decorated entirely with Elvis Presley memorabilia, united long-time partners, Barnaby Buttercup and Reginald Thistlewick. Sources say the ceremony involved a surprisingly heartfelt rendition of 'Viva Las Vegas' and a surprisingly large amount of glitter.

Pastor Hightower, contacted for comment, released a statement reading: "Let it be known that the Lord works in mysterious ways. He also works very, very quickly when threatened with a particularly aggressive chihuahua. Let us not question His divine machinations, lest we incur his wrath… or that chihuahua's."

Sources close to the couple allege that the chihuahua belonged to Barnaby's Uncle Mildred, a notorious gambler with a penchant for winning slots and intimidating religious figures. Meanwhile, several of Pastor Hightower's more devoted followers have taken to social media to declare their confusion using an increasingly alarming number of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This latest development raises many questions, primarily: How much did that chihuahua get paid? And secondly: is there any way we can get that glitter out of the chapel carpet?

The investigation continues… mostly because someone needs to find that chihuahua.