Bartholomew Buttercup, the wholesome heartthrob of daytime television and staunch defender of 'traditional family values,' surprisingly headlined the annual Sparkle City Pride Festival this past weekend. Buttercup, known for his public pronouncements against same-sex marriage (which he once referred to as "a slippery slope towards…well, more fun, I suppose"), delivered a surprisingly enthusiastic speech filled with the kind of rainbow-hued platitudes that only a man deeply uncomfortable with the occasion could muster.

"My dear, delightful…deviations from the norm!" he began, his signature smile seeming to crack slightly under the weight of his own hypocrisy. "I’m here today… not because I *believe* in… you know… *all that*, but because, well, ratings, my dears, ratings!" The crowd, initially shocked into stunned silence, erupted into a mixture of cheers, boos, and confused applause.

He continued, expertly weaving together hollow statements about inclusivity with subtle jabs at ‘lifestyle choices’ and ‘unnatural acts’ (none of which were explicitly defined, for fear of inadvertently endorsing them). His speech reached a fever pitch when he declared, "Let's celebrate diversity… as long as it's profitable! And let's not forget the power of a good marketing campaign!" He then launched into a surprisingly detailed breakdown of the various demographic groups attending the event and their potential consumer value.

Sources close to Buttercup confirm he received a hefty six-figure sum for his appearance, a fact that he later defended as being purely “a matter of efficient resource allocation.” The Sparkle City Pride Festival organizers, however, remain tight-lipped, muttering something about “a truly unforgettable… experience” while nervously adjusting their rainbow boas.