In a stunning twist that has even the most seasoned LGBTQ+ activists scratching their perfectly sculpted beards (and mustaches, and sideburns, because inclusivity!), conservative commentator Tucker Carlson has accidentally launched the most successful LGBTQ+ dating app since Grindr's inception – and it's all thanks to a spectacular case of ironic backfiring. Carlson's brainchild, "Straight Pride: Find Your Patriot," was initially designed as a beacon of traditional values, promising users a space free from the "degeneracy" of… well, you know.

However, a bizarre coding error (possibly involving a rogue rainbow flag emoji and a misplaced semicolon) seems to have turned the app into a vibrant, inclusive kaleidoscope of non-binary bliss. Profiles now boast such diverse and 'unpatriotic' descriptions as 'gender-fluid, enjoys long walks on the beach with my polyamorous partner and our three adopted husky puppies,' and 'looking for a top who appreciates my collection of vintage Dolly Parton wigs.'

Apparently, the app's algorithm, in its desperate attempt to find 'straight' matches, has instead identified common interests such as 'fierce eyeliner application,' 'the latest RuPaul's Drag Race episodes,' and a deep-seated hatred of mayonnaise (a surprisingly unifying characteristic across the spectrum of sexual orientations, it turns out).

The irony is so thick, you could cut it with a butter knife… wielded by a gender-neutral, pansexual chef named Chad, who's currently topping the app's most-sought-after user list. Sources say Carlson is now considering rebranding the app as 'Unexpectedly Gay: Finding Your Inner Chad,' though legal battles over trademark infringement with Chad himself are already brewing. This whole debacle serves as a cautionary tale: even the most fervent attempts to resist the tide of progressive inclusivity can end up... well, unexpectedly gay. And frankly, quite fabulous.