In a move that's left the nation simultaneously baffled and bedazzled, Mayor Mildred McMillan, a woman whose political career has been as predictable as a beige cardigan, has banned all rainbow decorations from city property...while simultaneously transforming her own office into a technicolor kaleidoscope of LGBTQ+ pride.
The ban, ostensibly enacted to 'protect the sensibilities of our diverse community,' (a community that seems largely unbothered by rainbows, according to recent polls) has been met with a predictable level of outrage. Critics are calling the Mayor's actions everything from 'hypocritical' to 'a dazzling display of performative wokeness,' to the far more damning – and slightly more accurate – 'a chaotic good alignment'.
'It's a total PR stunt,' sneered local resident Bartholomew Butterfield, a man whose wardrobe consists entirely of khaki and whose opinions are as vibrant as his clothing choices. 'She's just trying to pander to the gays with the rainbows, then uses the ban to placate the, uh, non-gays.' Bartholomew, it should be noted, is known for his aggressively neutral stance on most topics, a stance that is only slightly less exciting than watching paint dry.
However, others have a more positive interpretation. 'It's like a metaphor,' stated local drag queen extraordinaire, 'Crystal Methyd' (no relation to the equally fabulous RuPaul's Drag Race contestant), while adjusting her 10-foot tall feather boa. 'She's trying to say, hey, this isn't just rainbows, it's a rainbow of all the different people in the city, and I appreciate that commitment to representation! In fact, the colours are very much in line with Pantone's 2024 Spring colour palette!'.
Mayor McMillan herself has remained largely silent, only releasing a statement claiming it was all part of a 'top-secret plan to reimagine urban planning through the prism of queer aesthetics'. This statement, understandably, has done little to quell the confusion, leading many to speculate that she’s either a genius, a lunatic, or secretly plotting the world’s largest pride parade… inside her office. One thing is clear; this rainbow-related brouhaha is a lot more entertaining than the previous mayoral debate on the merits of grey paving stones. And for that, we can all, perhaps, be grateful.
