In a move that's simultaneously baffling and suspiciously well-funded, Mayor Mildred McMillan, a woman whose hairstyle alone could start a thousand woke thinkpieces, has banned the annual Pride parade, citing 'concerns about the disruptive nature of excessive joy and self-expression.' Simultaneously, she announced a lavish fundraiser dubbed the "Gaylaxy Gala," a shimmering extravaganza boasting a $5,000-a-plate dinner featuring artisanal kale chips and a keynote speech from RuPaul's drag mother (rumored to be an actual alien – the details are hazy, but very fabulous).
The ban, described by McMillan's spokesperson as a necessary measure to 'preserve the sanctity of downtown traffic flow,' has sparked outrage amongst LGBTQ+ activists, who are understandably confused. "It's like banning Christmas and simultaneously opening the world's largest Santa's workshop," commented activist Chad Thundercock, whose real name is Bartholomew Higgins, but prefers the stage name.
The Gaylaxy Gala, however, is shaping up to be the event of the year. Think Elton John's wardrobe on acid, mixed with the budget of a small country, and topped with enough glitter to blind a satellite. Tickets are apparently selling faster than the latest Harry Styles album and the guest list reportedly includes everyone from Lizzo to the Loch Ness Monster (the Monster identifies as non-binary, according to several well-placed sources).
Meanwhile, the internet is ablaze with conspiracy theories. Was this a carefully crafted plan to channel all the Pride energy into a money-making machine? A cynical attempt to appear supportive while subtly undermining genuine activism? Or did Mayor McMillan simply misinterpret the word 'parade' as an antiquated form of public transportation?
Whatever the truth, one thing is certain: Mayor McMillan has certainly mastered the art of the woke-wash, expertly navigating the treacherous waters of LGBTQ+ allyship while simultaneously banking on the inherent performativity of rainbow capitalism. At the very least, the gala promises to be a truly dazzling spectacle of queer excess. Just don't expect to see any parades anytime soon.
