In a stunning display of… something, Pastor Ezekiel Bile, renowned for his fiery sermons against the ‘rainbow menace’ and his unwavering belief that Adam and Steve were just roommates, has caused a national stir. He recently banned same-sex weddings from his church, citing 'biblical reasons' (which, upon further investigation, appear to involve a heavily redacted footnote and a suspiciously large donation from Chick-fil-A). However, the real kicker? His son, Chad (yes, *that* Chad), got married last weekend in a ceremony that resembled a Pride parade thrown by Liberace’s flamboyant cousin.
Chad, sporting a rainbow sequined tuxedo that could blind a hawk at 50 paces and prompting whispers of ‘glitter cannon malfunction’ amongst the guests, exchanged vows with his bride (a lovely woman named Tiffany, whose Instagram bio is alarmingly short on biblical quotes and heavy on ‘self-love’ emojis). Pastor Bile, meanwhile, stood proudly by, radiating an aura of suppressed existential dread in a matching – albeit slightly less flamboyant – rainbow waistcoat.
"It's all about *representation*, darling," Pastor Bile reportedly quipped to a bewildered journalist, adjusting his sequined bowtie. "Chad’s wedding is a testament to the inclusivity of… well, of my son's wedding! We celebrate *love*, even if that love comes wrapped in enough sequins to bankrupt a small nation." He then subtly adjusted the rainbow-colored feather boa subtly peeking from his waistcoat.
Social media exploded. #RainbowTuxedoGate is trending, with some questioning the pastor's hypocrisy, others praising his… ‘unconventional’ approach to tolerance, and a significant number simply posting GIFs of Lizzo twerking. Experts remain baffled. Some suggest the pastor underwent a sudden, profound conversion experience triggered by a rogue glitter bomb. Others hypothesize it’s a complex PR strategy involving a lucrative deal with a major sequin supplier and a potential endorsement deal with Skittles. Whatever the explanation, one thing is clear: the line between ‘homophobic’ and ‘fabulous’ has officially been blurred beyond recognition. And Lizzo is absolutely loving it.
