In a stunning display of judicial irony that would make even a seasoned drag queen blush, Judge Thaddeus Grimshaw, a man whose hairstyle hasn't changed since the disco era, yesterday banned the use of gender-neutral pronouns in his courtroom. Simultaneously, he unveiled a 700-page tome titled, "A Comprehensive Guide to Linguistically Inclusive Jurisprudence, Featuring the Newly Recognized Genders of Xylia, Zorp, and Spatula-Person," which seemingly contradicts his own ruling.

The ban, Judge Grimshaw explained, is necessary to ‘preserve the sanctity of traditional gender roles,’ adding, ‘Frankly, I don’t understand these newfangled pronouns. It’s just… pronouns, am I right? Like, you know… he, she, it. Next thing you know, we’ll be accepting that gender is a social construct… preposterous!’

This statement was immediately followed by the unveiling of the aforementioned manual, a document so comprehensive it even includes a chapter on addressing sentient houseplants (they identify as ‘potted’), a comprehensive glossary of neopronouns, including xe/xem, fae/faer, and the newly coined ‘spork/sporks,’ and detailed instructions for accommodating individuals who identify as sentient galaxies and require interdimensional travel for court appearances.

"It’s imperative that we are inclusive of *all* genders, even if they're beyond our current comprehension," Grimshaw declared while adjusting his polyester leisure suit. "Section 37B, subsection 4, paragraph 2 clearly outlines the acceptable manner of addressing sentient cacti during sentencing, so let's get this right, people!"

Sources say that the manual’s cover features a picture of Judge Grimshaw wearing a sequined cape and a tiara, with a caption reading, “Embrace the Sparkle, or Face Contempt of Court.” Many legal experts are baffled, while others are busy creating bingo cards for future courtroom appearances. Meanwhile, social media is ablaze with memes featuring Judge Grimshaw and his unintentionally hilarious ‘inclusive’ legal labyrinth. One popular meme depicts him as the Supreme Court’s new drag queen mascot.

Kim Kardashian West, reached for comment, simply stated, ‘This is giving… everything.’ And honestly, who are we to disagree?