In a stunning turn of events that has left the local PTA clutching their pearls (and possibly their Bibles), Mildred Higgins, the history teacher who infamously banned all LGBTQ+ events from Oakhaven High, has been crowned the school's official 'Pride Ambassador.' The announcement came after Mrs. Higgins, in a move described by one student as 'peak irony, bordering on performance art,' single-handedly organized a school-wide drag show featuring RuPaul's Drag Race alumni and a glitter cannon that malfunctioned spectacularly, showering the entire auditorium in a kaleidoscope of rainbow confetti.
Sources say the change of heart was sparked by a particularly vibrant Zoom call with a gender-fluid alpaca farmer, a truly transformative experience that shattered Mrs. Higgins' pre-conceived notions. 'It was the alpaca's fabulous knitwear that did it,' she confessed in an exclusive interview, ‘combined with the surprisingly nuanced discussion on the historical significance of the llama in Andean queer culture.’
Her sudden embrace of inclusivity has been met with mixed reactions. The school’s Christian conservative group, 'Students for Straight Standards,' have filed a formal complaint, alleging Mrs. Higgins' transformation constitutes a 'spiritual assault' on their 'traditional values'. One member, a young man named Chad (naturally), stated, 'It's just not right! It's like finding out Santa is a cross-dressing Marxist. The whole thing stinks of glitter and betrayal.'
But many students celebrate her 'redemption arc' as a powerful testament to the transformative power of drag and alpaca-based enlightenment. 'She went from calling us 'degenerates' to designing our Pride float,' exclaimed Tiffany, a flamboyant sophomore sporting a t-shirt emblazoned with the slogan, 'Make Love, Not War (Except on the Dance Floor).' The school principal, meanwhile, has announced plans to introduce a mandatory alpaca-themed LGBTQ+ history course next semester, with Mrs. Higgins as the lead instructor. The course will explore, among other things, the complex intersection of textile arts and queer identity in pre-Columbian South America. Expect the unexpected.
