In a stunning display of political schizophrenia that would make a schizophrenic question their diagnosis, Senator Mildred Smith today vehemently opposed a bill allowing transgender women to compete in women's sports. 'It's just not fair to cisgender women!' she thundered, clutching a pearl necklace that probably cost more than a small island nation's GDP. 'These women have worked so hard, and their achievements shouldn't be undermined by…biological realities…' she trailed off, glancing nervously at a stack of suspiciously glitter-encrusted legal documents.

Sources close to the Senator (who wish to remain anonymous, primarily to avoid the sudden, unexplained appearance of glitter-bombing drones) revealed that Senator Smith's passionate opposition to transgender women in sports is directly proportional to her passionate support of… well, everything else transgender. We're talking funding for Drag Queen Story Hour (apparently, she believes 'reading is fundamental,' even if the reader is in full drag and telling stories about fabulous unicorns), substantial donations to LGBTQ+ youth shelters, and even a rumored secret identity as the anonymous benefactor behind the 'Trans Rights Now' street art campaign that's been popping up all over Washington D.C.

When confronted with this apparent contradiction, Senator Smith's spokesperson released a statement that read, in its entirety, 'The Senator believes in a woman's right to choose… but not necessarily which sports to compete in. She also firmly believes in the importance of sparkly things. Any questions? Good. No further comment.'

Meanwhile, the internet is ablaze with speculation. Is this a masterclass in political doublespeak? A desperate attempt to appeal to both sides of the aisle? Or simply the result of a rogue glitter-bomb malfunction in the Senate? Only time, and potentially an investigation by the glitter-bomb division of the FBI, will tell. One thing's for sure: Senator Smith has created an Olympic-level paradox.