In a development so shocking it’s practically a Pride parade in a Baptist church basement, renowned anti-gay marriage activist, Barnaby Butterfield, has tied the knot with his longtime partner, Chad Thundercock – yes, *that* Chad Thundercock. Butterfield, known for his impassioned speeches comparing same-sex marriage to the apocalypse (specifically, the apocalypse as depicted in the 1998 'Armageddon' movie, minus the Bruce Willis), has reportedly found a newfound appreciation for the sanctity of same-sex unions, after apparently spending a romantic weekend listening to ABBA's 'Dancing Queen' on repeat in a yurt.
Sources close to the couple (who insisted on anonymity, claiming Barnaby’s new-found acceptance made them suddenly feel self-conscious about their pronouns) stated that the ceremony involved a bespoke cake shaped like the Supreme Court building, a reading from the works of RuPaul, and a surprise performance by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir – albeit singing a slightly altered version of 'Battle Hymn of the Republic' replacing 'Glory' with 'Gay Marriage'.
"It was a transformative experience," Butterfield’s publicist, a flamboyant chihuahua named Gigi, told reporters, simultaneously juggling three miniature Pride flags and a vape pen. "Barnaby has realized that true love transcends labels, genders, and even the deeply ingrained homophobia he previously championed. He’s even considering opening a drag queen brunch spot in Boise, Idaho!"
Social media has erupted with mixed reactions, with some expressing genuine confusion (along with several wildly inaccurate conspiracy theories involving mind control and deep-fried Oreos), while others are celebrating this apparent ‘conversion’ as a symbol of the power of love, or possibly, the hallucinogenic properties of certain artisan cheeses. Experts are divided, with some suggesting Butterfield's conversion proves the effectiveness of positive reinforcement, while others are already working on a Netflix docuseries tentatively titled, "The Straightening: A Barnaby Butterfield Story." This reporter remains cautiously optimistic, especially regarding the possibility of a Chad Thundercock signature line of organic, artisanal rainbow-colored pet food.
