In a move so shocking it's practically a gender-fluid interpretive dance, BigOil CEO, Chad Thundercock, has announced his refusal to sponsor this year's Pride parade. The internet, naturally, exploded – but not in the way you might think. Instead of the expected outrage, a wave of *positive* affirmation has swept the nation, hailing Chad's actions as a brilliantly subversive act of LGBTQ+ allyship.

You see, Chad, in a stunning display of what can only be described as 'capitalist queerness,' simultaneously donated a king's ransom (or, you know, a decent chunk of change) to the It Gets Glitter Foundation, a charity dedicated to providing glitter cannons and copious amounts of rainbow-colored everything to marginalized communities. His statement read, in part: 'While I won't publicly endorse the 'rainbow agenda' – *wink, wink* – I believe in supporting our fabulous LGBTQ+ neighbors' struggles to find enough sequins for their fabulous drag shows.'

Critics are calling the move genius. One self-proclaimed 'woke influencer' with a suspiciously perfect Instagram aesthetic and an impressive collection of gender-neutral Crocs, named @SpiritualAvocadoToast, commented: 'Chad's actions clearly demonstrate the inherent paradox of late-stage capitalism: the only way to truly *resist* the system is to become deeply entrenched within it while discreetly funding the revolution! #QueerCapitalism #ChadIsAnIcon'.

However, not everyone is convinced. A spokesperson for the local chapter of the 'Straight But Not Narrow-Minded' group (which, ironically, was spotted using a rainbow-striped banner at its last meeting) expressed some concern. 'I'm all for helping LGBTQ+ folks,' they stated, 'but is this donation really about genuine support or more of a cynical tax write-off cleverly disguised as rainbow capitalism? We need more transparency! Like, seriously, where's the receipt?'

The debate rages on, with pundits drawing parallels to everything from the artistic genius of Banksy to the questionable fashion choices of RuPaul’s Drag Race alumni. One thing’s for sure: Chad Thundercock has managed to achieve peak irony (or perhaps peak performance in the art of corporate social responsibility-washing). Either way, someone send that man a glitter cannon. He deserves it.