In a stunning display of cognitive dissonance that would make even a reality TV star blush, renowned geneticist Dr. Bartholomew Butterscotch announced yesterday that, after years of meticulous research, he's definitively proven the non-existence of LGBTQ+ genes. His groundbreaking conclusion? "They're not in the genes, folks! It's all about the *chosen family*...and, um, the *chosen husband*. He's very cute." This was followed by a breathlessly romantic and flamboyant wedding ceremony to his partner, Chad Thundercock, a renowned artisanal pickle maker. The event, naturally, was sponsored by RuPaul and featured a truly magnificent cake sculpted in the likeness of Dolly Parton.

Dr. Butterscotch's study, titled "The Absence of Evidence Isn't the Absence of Pride: A Totally Straightforward Look at Gay Genes," has already been met with mixed reactions. Conservative groups are celebrating, claiming this finally proves they were right all along about...something. Meanwhile, the LGBTQ+ community responded with a collective shrug, a resounding chorus of 'Duh!', and plans for a massive pride parade in which everyone will carry a pickle. It's unclear if the pickles are symbolic of Chad's profession, or simply represent the inherent deliciousness of being your authentic self.

'It's like, we already knew', said Sasha Fierce, a local drag queen whose elaborate eyelashes shed more light on the matter than Dr. Butterscotch's research. 'Being gay isn't a gene, it's a lifestyle choice. A *very* fabulous lifestyle choice, naturally. With excellent cocktails'.

Dr. Butterscotch, meanwhile, is honeymooning in Mykonos, apparently posting regularly on Instagram about his newly found love and the struggles of choosing between a lavender or a turquoise infinity pool. The irony, of course, is lost on him. But not on us.