In a shocking turn of events that's left the conservative sphere in a state of utter disarray (and possibly mild existential dread), renowned homophobe-adjacent talk show host, Tucker Carlson, has been caught in the ultimate act of… inclusivity? Sources close to the set (who insist they are not actually 'close' – merely 'within shouting distance' for the purposes of legal liability) reveal a clandestine operation: Carlson's daily show, despite its famously anti-LGBTQ rhetoric, is secretly bankrolled by the proceeds from a wildly successful line of 'Tucker Tears'-themed merchandise. These aren't just any tears, mind you. We're talking artisanal, sustainably-sourced, single-origin tears, personally wept by Carlson himself during particularly challenging segments featuring LGBTQ+ guests.
These artisanal tears, it turns out, are then sold at exorbitant prices to a surprisingly large and enthusiastic market of… well, let's just say people who get a bizarre kick out of collecting the emotional effluent of their ideological foes. The proceeds, according to our sources (who still maintain a safe 'shouting distance'), directly fund Drag Queen Story Hour initiatives across the nation. Imagine the irony: Carlson, the man who once referred to drag queens as 'biological abominations' (his exact words, though they may have been partially mumbled through a mouthful of gourmet caviar), inadvertently funding the very thing he vehemently opposes.
"It's like the universe's own twisted, ironic comedy show," commented a prominent LGBTQ+ activist, while simultaneously juggling flaming torches and a unicorn. "It's also a fantastic source of funding, we gotta admit." Meanwhile, the show features a rotating cast of LGBTQ+ guests, who, suspiciously, all seem to be holding unusually large purses and giving Carlson knowing winks during commercial breaks. One even wore a shirt that subtly read, "Thanks for the funds, Tuck!"
Experts are baffled. Some suggest it's a elaborate form of performance art. Others theorize it's a complex psychological tactic designed to drive his aging audience into a state of complete cognitive dissonance. Whatever the reason, one thing's for certain: Carlson's 'Gay Agenda' is far more successful than he ever could have imagined.
