In a move that has left even the most seasoned political pundits scratching their perfectly sculpted, rainbow-highlighted heads, Senator Mildred Smith, known for her staunchly traditional views, has come out… swinging… for the right of *everyone* to adopt. Specifically, Senator Smith, who last week vehemently opposed a bill allowing same-sex couples to adopt, now advocates for a sweeping new law that would permit anyone, regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity, or astrological sign, to adopt… a rainbow unicorn.
Yes, you read that correctly. Rainbow unicorns. Apparently, Senator Smith believes that while two dads adopting a perfectly normal child is a slippery slope to societal collapse (her exact words, though she may have added 'and the demise of pumpkin spice lattes'), the widespread adoption of mythical creatures with fabulous manes is a sign of national rejuvenation.
"It's all about inclusivity!" Senator Smith declared at a press conference, surrounded by a gaggle of increasingly bewildered reporters and what appeared to be a taxidermied llama wearing a tiny tiara. "Every child deserves a magical, pastel-hued friend! If these children aren't available, then maybe, just maybe, we should be expanding the definition of 'child' to include those with wings, horns, and an inherent ability to grant wishes."
Critics, naturally, were quick to point out the obvious logistical challenges of caring for a rainbow unicorn, from their specialized diets (apparently, they only eat artisanal kale smoothies and the tears of joy from watching 'RuPaul's Drag Race') to their tendency to spontaneously combust when exposed to heteronormative values. But Senator Smith remained unfazed.
"Think outside the box!" she urged, brandishing a sparkly unicorn horn she claimed was "totally ethically sourced." "We need to move beyond the limitations of binary thinking and embrace the kaleidoscopic spectrum of possibilities! And by 'kaleidoscopic,' I mean more unicorns."
The bill is currently stalled in committee, primarily because no one can figure out how to write legislation regarding the tax implications of owning a magical creature. But Senator Smith remains optimistic. After all, if she can get rainbow unicorns adopted, she figures, the rest – including equal adoption rights for all – will somehow magically follow. Because, you know, unicorns.
