In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples of confusion (and, let's be honest, mild terror) through the straight, white, male scientific community, renowned astrophysicist Dr. Bartholomew Chumley has renounced his previous dismissal of LGBTQ+ studies. Instead, he's published a groundbreaking paper titled, "The Undeniable Queerness of Everything: From the Big Bang to Brenda's Broccoli Casserole."
Dr. Chumley, previously known for his staunch belief that the universe was created solely for the purpose of watching reruns of 'The Price is Right,' now claims that his years of studying celestial bodies were a mere prelude to a far more profound understanding: everything is queer. 'The cosmos itself,' he declares in his paper, 'is a giant, shimmering, gender-fluid tapestry woven by cosmic queers. And the evidence? Well, have you *seen* a nebula? It's fabulous.'
His research focuses heavily on the 'Sapphic Coven Hypothesis,' arguing that seemingly innocuous activities like knitting circles, book clubs, and Pilates classes are actually highly organized secret societies of lesbians plotting world domination (through exquisitely crafted scarves, of course). He cites Beyoncé's 'Single Ladies' as irrefutable proof of a global lesbian agenda, and claims that the popularity of avocado toast is a deliberate attempt by the LGBTQIA+ community to subtly undermine patriarchal food systems.
Conservative groups are understandably up in arms. 'This is outrageous!' exclaimed a spokesperson for the 'Straight and Narrow Foundation,' a group that strongly believes the earth is flat and avocado toast is the work of Satan. 'Where will it end? Will they next claim that squirrels are non-binary? And what about my perfectly heterosexual lawn gnome collection?'
Dr. Chumley remains unfazed. 'Science is about embracing the unknown,' he stated while wearing a rainbow sequined lab coat and sipping a kale smoothie. 'And the unknown, my friends, is gloriously, wonderfully, fabulously queer.' He then announced that his next project will involve analyzing the sexual orientation of garden gnomes. The Straight and Narrow Foundation is reportedly considering filing a lawsuit.
