In a shocking turn of events that has left the nation simultaneously bewildered and fabulous, Police Chief Reginald Hardcastle, a man whose mustache alone could rival a flamboyant peacock, banned all Pride protests in the city of Harmony Creek, only to immediately lead the largest, most glitter-cannon-emblazoned Pride parade the world has ever seen.
Chief Hardcastle, a self-proclaimed "straight ally" (with a suspiciously extensive collection of rainbow-colored bolo ties), justified his initial ban by claiming it was for "public safety." Sources, however, suggest his true motivation was the need to personally outshine last year’s parade, an event he described as "charming, but lacking sufficient amounts of interpretive dance and Beyoncé covers."
The ensuing parade featured a diverse array of participants, including drag queens performing death-dropping interpretive dance routines set to Taylor Swift’s discography, a group of nuns roller skating while chanting ‘Release the Kraken’ (apparently a new hymn), and a surprisingly large contingent of squirrels in tiny rainbow tutus. The event was so spectacular that even the city’s most staunchly homophobic squirrels (rumored to be funded by a mysterious dark-money group called 'Nuts for Trump') were seen shedding a single, iridescent tear.
"It was a beautiful chaos," gushed local resident Brenda, who wore a unicorn onesie and a sash proclaiming her as "Queen of the Glitterati." "It was so inclusive, even the straight folks were forced to embrace their inner fabulousness, or at least pretend to, for fear of missing out on the free rainbow cupcakes."
Meanwhile, Chief Hardcastle, riding a giant unicorn float adorned with enough sequins to blind a small satellite, declared the event a resounding success, adding that next year’s parade will feature a coordinated, full-scale aerial ballet involving trained eagles and a dramatically enhanced use of glitter cannons. The Department of Homeland Security has been alerted to the potential threat this presents to national security. We will keep you updated.
The story only gets more spectacular! We've just received unconfirmed reports that the entire event was sponsored by a sentient, gender-fluid AI named 'Chadwick' who dreams only of creating a world of ultimate rainbow-fueled joy. More on this as it develops.
