In a stunning development that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative bedrock of Hollywood, Ryan Reynolds vehemently denies being gay, despite photographic evidence showing him strolling hand-in-hand with a strikingly similar individual who, upon closer inspection, appears to be Blake Lively's long-lost identical twin brother, revealed to be named 'Blaire.'

The photos, taken outside a gender-neutral artisanal pickle shop in trendy Williamsburg, show Reynolds and Blaire engaging in what some might call ‘affectionate’ hand-holding – a display that has triggered a veritable meltdown among certain segments of the internet population. One particularly irate commenter, identifying only as 'MAGA_MommaBear,' wrote: 'This is an OUTRAGE! First, they steal our jobs with their woke agendas, then they steal our men with their…their…pickle-loving shenanigans!'

Reynolds, in a statement released through his publicist (a self-described 'gender-fluid pronoun enthusiast'), stated he was 'deeply offended' by the suggestion he's gay. 'It's simply a case of mistaken identity,' he insisted, 'Blaire is just...you know...a really good friend, with amazing taste in pickles. And we have the same tailor.'

However, several queer theorists have weighed in, arguing the incident highlights the insidious nature of compulsory heterosexuality. 'The very act of denying a same-sex relationship, even when blatant proof exists, perfectly exemplifies the internalized homophobia that plagues our society,' claimed Professor Prudence Plum, a leading expert in post-structuralist queer theory and a self-proclaimed connoisseur of artisanal mayonnaise. 'The power dynamics at play are…well, they're pickled, darling. Pickled to perfection!'

Meanwhile, Blake Lively remains mum, possibly busy crafting another meticulously curated Instagram post about her sustainable lifestyle choices. The whereabouts of Blaire remain unknown, although rumors suggest he's currently negotiating a lucrative endorsement deal with a line of gender-neutral pickles. Stay tuned, folks. This pickle-fueled drama is far from over.