In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples of confusion – and suspiciously well-timed product placements – through the heterosexual industrial complex, mega-hunk and noted meathead Chad Thundercock has vehemently denied rumors of his bisexuality. The denial came just moments before paparazzi snapped him furiously swiping right on Grindr, a dating app so inclusive, it practically requires a gender studies PhD just to log in.

Sources close to Thundercock (who asked to remain anonymous, citing fears of being forced to watch *The Rocky Horror Picture Show* again) claim the actor was ‘blindsided’ by the allegations. "Chad? Bi? Preposterous!" one source sputtered, before adding, "Although, that new profile picture…does make him look kinda… delicious. But definitely straight. Definitely."

The denial has been met with a chorus of skepticism, particularly from the burgeoning ‘woke’ community who have embraced Thundercock’s supposed bisexuality with the fervent enthusiasm usually reserved for a new season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. One activist, identified only as ‘Sparkle McGlitterbottom,’ declared, "Chad’s denial is clearly a calculated attempt to suppress his inner queerness! The patriarchy is at work, people! We need to liberate his inner Sapphic superhero!"

Adding fuel to the fire, Thundercock was also seen purchasing a copy of *Scissoring Simulator 2024*, the controversial new video game lauded by critics for its ‘groundbreaking’ portrayal of fluid sexuality and its oddly realistic physics engine. Representatives from the game developer, ‘Gaymerz R Us,’ refused to comment, other than to release a statement that read simply: "OMG, Chad plays our game?! Queer representation wins! *insert rainbow emoji here*"

Despite the mounting evidence, Thundercock remains steadfast in his denial. His lawyer, a man whose name conveniently rhymes with 'Lettuce' stated, "My client is as straight as an arrow… unless that arrow is, like, really, really flexible. But definitely straight. Definitely."