In a stunning turn of events that has left the internet both baffled and fabulous, Senator Bartholomew Butterscotch, known for his staunch opposition to ‘the degeneracy of drag culture,’ has hired Trixie Mattel’s estranged cousin, a gender-fluid performance artist named ‘Glitterbomb,’ as his personal assistant.
Senator Butterscotch, who recently delivered a fiery speech condemning drag as a ‘gateway drug to…well, more drag,’ now finds himself surrounded by a whirlwind of glitter, strategically placed boas, and an uncanny ability to schedule meetings perfectly synchronized with Beyoncé’s new album release.
"It's...complicated," stammered Senator Butterscotch when approached by our intrepid reporter (who was unfortunately forced to change outfits three times during the interview due to Glitterbomb’s enthusiasm for impromptu runway shows). "I wanted to send a message about the dangers of drag, but Glitterbomb's organizational skills are…miraculous. They can balance my budget, arrange my speaking engagements, and perfectly match my tie to my toupee in under five minutes. It's… efficient. And...shiny."
Experts are divided. Some believe this is a shrewd political move, using the power of drag to appeal to younger voters. Others speculate that Glitterbomb is orchestrating a slow, methodical, exquisitely glamorous takeover of the Senator’s entire life, starting with his wardrobe.
"It's not about the politics, darling," Glitterbomb sashayed, pausing mid-sentence to meticulously adjust the Senator's comically oversized bow tie. "It's about transformation. Think of it as a…cultural realignment. With a lot of contouring."
Sources close to the Senator reveal a dramatic shift in his political stances. His upcoming anti-drag bill is reportedly being rewritten to include mandatory glitter training for all senators, and a clause mandating at least one sequin per official document. The Senator’s press office has yet to confirm the rumor that his next campaign slogan will feature a full-blown lip sync battle with Glitterbomb. Only time – and possibly a whole lot of glitter – will tell.
