In a move that has left the internet simultaneously bewildered and ablaze with the fury of a thousand triggered Karens, conservative influencer and noted mayonnaise enthusiast, Chad Thundercock, has launched a groundbreaking new dating app: "ThunderCocktails." Billed as a space for "open-minded individuals" to connect, the app boasts an impressively diverse range of filters, allowing users to sort potential partners by their level of comfort with the concept of "rainbow capitalism."
"It's about freedom," Chad explained in a promotional video featuring him aggressively flexing in front of an American flag while sipping a protein shake. "Freedom to date whoever you want, as long as they aren't, you know, *too* gay. We're aiming for 'inclusive,' not 'a full-on Pride parade.'" This subtle distinction has caused considerable confusion among users who are now attempting to decipher the exact shade of 'gay-adjacent' acceptable within the app's parameters.
ThunderCocktails features a unique "Gaydar Calibration" system, allowing users to rate their own level of gayness on a scale of "barely whispers 'fabulous' in a crowded room" to "owns a rainbow-colored cat named 'Lady Gaga.'" The app's algorithm then matches users based on their self-reported gayness levels to prevent any unintentional encounters with excessive queerness. Critics have pointed out this feature effectively functions as a subtle 'gay-o-meter' designed to maintain a specific level of homonormativity.
Other notable features include a "Straight Ally Certification" quiz (questions include 'Have you ever donated to a charity that, like, *kind of* supports LGBTQ+ issues?' and 'Do you know the difference between a bisexual and a pansexual? (Bonus points if you can explain it without using Google)'), and a "Gender Spectrum Exploration" option that allows users to only see profiles who identify within a specific range of gender identities as described in an attached 300-page booklet authored by Chad himself.
While some hail ThunderCocktails as a revolutionary step towards tolerance, others see it as a hilariously tone-deaf attempt to commodify inclusivity. Only time will tell if this app will succeed in uniting the dating world, or simply further highlight the absurdity of the culture war.
