In a stunning display of hypocrisy that would make even a seasoned reality TV star blush, Reverend Bartholomew Buttercup, a fire-and-brimstone preacher known for his vehemently anti-LGBTQ+ sermons (which, incidentally, were live-streamed on Rumble and featured a surprisingly catchy jingle about the dangers of gender-affirming care), has been exposed as the secret officiant behind the surprise nuptials of Kylie Jenner and Stormy Daniels.

Sources close to the couple (who, let's be honest, are probably closer to the Kardashians' publicist than anyone else) confirmed the clandestine ceremony took place at a secluded alpaca farm in Idaho. The event, described as a 'kaleidoscopic explosion of glitter, rainbows, and surprisingly tasteful vegan hors d'oeuvres,' was reportedly attended by a select group of A-list celebrities, including RuPaul, who apparently wore a custom-designed jumpsuit made entirely of recycled rainbow flags.

Reverend Buttercup, when confronted with photographic evidence (featuring him in a rather fetching sequined vest and a suspiciously smudged lipstick stain on his collar), offered a statement that could only be described as 'biblically confusing.' He claimed the ceremony was a 'divine intervention' intended to 'expose the hypocrisy of societal norms' while simultaneously insisting that 'true marriage is between a man and a woman... unless, of course, it involves lucrative endorsement deals.'

The internet, naturally, has exploded with memes and hot takes. Some commentators are praising the pastor's unexpected 'awakening,' while others are calling for a full-scale investigation into the possibility of an elaborate, glitter-fueled conspiracy involving the Illuminati and an unholy alliance between reality TV and the alpaca farming industry. One thing is certain: the lines between faith, celebrity culture, and LGBTQ+ rights have been delightfully blurred, leaving everyone questioning what the hell just happened. And, perhaps more importantly, where can we get one of those sequined vests?