In a plot twist thicker than a Beyoncé wig, Senator Ted Smith, notorious for his staunch opposition to LGBTQ+ rights and his recent proposal to ban drag queen story time (apparently, the 'G' in LGBTQ+ stands for 'Ghastly,' according to his office), has been spotted canoodling with a rather dashing gentleman at a rather exclusive, and suspiciously well-lit, gay nightclub. Sources say the two were seen sharing a suspiciously delicious-looking rainbow-colored popsicle, a clear symbol of defiance against the Senator’s own legislation.
Eyewitnesses claim the pair were engaging in what some might term ‘passionate discourse,’ involving copious amounts of glitter and possibly a remix of ‘Vogue.’ Senator Smith’s spokesperson, a man who looks perpetually terrified and smells faintly of desperation, released a statement that, to quote the statement itself: ‘The Senator is a private citizen. It is... regrettable... that his private life is being unduly... subjected to... uh... scrutiny.’ It went downhill from there, ending with a bizarre tangent about the superiority of beige.
This revelation has sent shockwaves through the conservative media. Fox News is currently airing a three-hour special entitled ‘Is It Cake? Or Is It Gay? Investigating the Senator’s Sinful Strawberry Shortcake.’ Meanwhile, MSNBC has launched an internal investigation into whether using glitter constitutes hate speech.
The situation has, of course, divided the nation. Some believe it is an example of the inherent hypocrisy of conservative politicians (because, let’s face it, haven’t we all been waiting for the day we could finally laugh at hypocrisy in the political arena?), while others insist this is clear proof of a vast LGBTQ+ conspiracy to undermine America’s commitment to... well, beige.
One thing is for sure: this incident has given ‘closeted’ a whole new meaning. Perhaps Senator Smith should consider rebranding himself as a champion of ‘secretly fabulous’ legislation. And maybe invest in some good quality rainbow-colored confetti. It's all the rage, you know.
