In a stunning display of judicial hypocrisy that would make even a seasoned legal beagle blush, Judge Theodore 'Ted' Worthington III today ruled against the implementation of gender-neutral restrooms in the county courthouse. His scathing 17-page opinion, peppered with Latin phrases he likely Googled five minutes before writing, cited concerns about 'potential confusion' and 'unforeseen logistical nightmares.'

Ironically, just hours after the ruling, courthouse staff reported the discovery of a newly constructed restroom in Judge Worthington's chambers – a lavish, gender-fluid sanctuary described by one bewildered janitor as 'a goddamn spa.' Sources say the facility boasts heated floors, a cascading waterfall feature, aromatherapy diffusers emitting the scent of 'sandalwood and mildly aggressive masculinity,' and a selection of artisanal soaps ranging from 'Manly Cedarwood' to 'Subtly Feminine Lavender.'

'The judge felt the current courthouse facilities weren't adequately addressing the *nuances* of gender identity,' explained Brenda Higgins, Worthington's bewildered legal secretary, nervously adjusting her glasses. 'He wanted a space where individuals could explore their gender expression in a… safe and, frankly, *very comfortable* environment.' Photos allegedly leaked from inside the restroom depict plush velvet seating, a full-length mirror with built-in LED lighting, and a small, yet surprisingly well-stocked, bar.

When questioned about the apparent contradiction between his ruling and his actions, Judge Worthington released a statement through his spokesperson (a surprisingly chipper golden retriever named Judge Judy): 'The court finds the existing facilities inadequate, therefore, the court has *upgraded* its own facilities. Case closed.' A follow-up question regarding the estimated cost of the 'upgrade,' rumoured to be in the six-figure range, remains unanswered. The court is currently accepting applications for a full-time, highly-paid restroom attendant. Experience with crystal champagne flutes is preferred.