In a move that has sent shockwaves through the already fragile ecosystem of woke Twitter, renowned (and suspiciously ripped) Olympic weightlifter Chad Thundercock has publicly mocked the ‘rainbow-ification’ of sports uniforms, subsequently unveiling his own groundbreaking design: a jumpsuit so aggressively heterosexual, it practically vibrates with alpha-male energy.
Thundercock, whose personal best includes bench-pressing a small car and staring intensely at opponents until they spontaneously combust, expressed his disappointment with the increasingly flamboyant nature of athletic apparel. "It's all rainbows and glitter now," he thundered (pun intended, folks!), flexing a bicep the size of a small child. "Where's the manliness? Where's the testosterone-fueled display of pure, unadulterated heteronormativity?"
His alternative? A dazzling, albeit slightly less vibrant, jumpsuit in a shade he calls "Heterochromatic Blaze." This masterpiece of anti-woke design features a bold, single-toned hue somewhere between Day-Glo orange and a particularly aggressive shade of sunset. "It's all about subtlety," Chad explained, winking. "Subtle, yet overwhelmingly masculine. Like a perfectly aged steak...or a really well-built shed."
The jumpsuit, surprisingly, doesn't include any actual rainbows. Instead, it boasts a subtle, almost imperceptible shimmer that, according to Chad, "reflects the pure, unfiltered essence of heterosexual dominance." Critics have pointed out that the shimmer is most likely just the cheap polyester reacting to the intense heat emanating from Chad's body.
The design has been met with predictable outrage on social media, with many calling for Chad’s immediate expulsion from the Olympics and a mandatory sensitivity training session involving interpretive dance and a mandatory viewing of ‘Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.’ Chad, however, remains unfazed. "Let them rage," he declares. "Their tears are just fuel for my gains." And judging by the size of that bicep, he might be right. He's probably also single-handedly responsible for the rise in global temperatures. But hey, at least his jumpsuit is on-brand.
We reached out to the International Olympic Committee for comment; their response was simply a single, perfectly-rendered GIF of a rainbow slowly melting into a puddle of heterosexual tears. We think that’s a win for Chad.
